Friday, February 23, 2007

Prisoner of my mind

So my other best friend visited M.A last evening and told me she was off the mark. The only one to say so among many others. And despite others who didn't agree, I had found solace in her words.

Nothing can describe the immense relief I feel at this moment.

Any attempt to exemplify how I feel would fail miserably. Any attempts to verbalize, would simply be a gross understatement.

For the first time last night, I fell asleep...at peace with myself. He wasn't the last thing on my mind.

And I realized I have been a prisoner of my own mind. How i have set boundaries for myself without realizing it. How silly.

Nevertheless, I feel so light now. Its as though someone has lifted off this huge boulder that had been sitting on my shoulders.

I have also decided to go back on my 10-week PT programme. Maybe this time I really am gonna look hot in that bikini.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Falling

Its amazing how I can swivel from feelings of love and hate. Back and forth. And again, back and forth, like a good old pendulum.

Only its me I'm talking about. And I'm fuckin giddy from all that swinging.

We'll be on the phone for hours or havin coffee, and I'm totally cool at first. Fascinating conversation. A heated debate. Lots of laughter. Easy.

But the moment I get off or reach home, I start to ponder over the things he said.

And then I'll get really really mad. Mad like I wanna rip-his-throat-off kinda thing. And i'm just short of grabbing my phone to abuse him.

But I never get round to that. Maybe not yet.

And I'd just fall asleep feeling really angry. Clutching my pillows and thinking of how much I hate him. Like how did i even imagine that I was in love with him to begin with. And how I never ever want to see him or talk to him again.

And I'll wake up the next day. Still a bit furious. Still plotting his murder.

And then...I get an sms. A very charming one.

And I pretend not to be amused. I try extremely hard i tell you!

But almost instantaneously, I feel the beginning of a smile. And as if to agonize me further, i feel it spread slowly across my face. And un-furrow my clenched eyebrows. And I feel the warmth of a flush on my cheeks.

All these, against my will of steel.

Its like the raging storm brewing inside of me, never took place. Its as though the sun has awakened from its deep slumber...brightening my day.

Nope, I haven't been drinking.

I'm just meandering by, aimlessly. Falling...in and out of love with him. Currently out of love, as I speak.

Please wake me up when December comes.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The End

When we met last night, I had asked myself how did I ever fail to see that what we have is indeed beautiful.

Two great friends sharing life over a cup of tea. Easy coversation and unpretentious laughter. Why did I allow anyone to influence me into thinking it should be more?

Eventhough there are times when I'm so tired of fighting for his time. And he, on the other hand, does the same.

Conclusion? We don't have the luxury of time at our feet. Not for anything other than this wonderful friendship.

Because at the end of the day, I realize I can't be with a man who constantly questions my faith and beliefs. We will never surpass the religion barrier. Not even in M.A's dreams.

Because I can't live my life being second-best. I can't live life constantly trying to live up to his expectations of another woman. i have to stay true to myself.

Because he's there - conveniently playing the role of someone available. And I'm here - toying with the idea of being in love. Just...not with him.

And when December comes, I'm going to walk into M.A's office, look her straight in the eye and say, "You are so so wrong".

Because I have decided. I don't want anything more.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Love

I'm in love with love.

Not him.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

I bought a book on Islam to accompany me on this trip. Maybe the reason why he's in my life is so I can get closer to my religion. Again.

And i doubt we'll ever get past the religion barrier. Not in my prophecy.

And I'm also unsure about the things I feel. But maybe while going away, it is a chance for me to find out.

After all, distance does make the heart grow fonder. We shall see.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Sleepless sunday

Yes as you can tell it's a sleepless Sunday. I probably slept too much last night.

Went for a foot reflexology and massage last evening - which completely knocked me out. Woke up at 1am just to change into my sleepwear and continue sleeping.

I'm glad I did that cos I needed the sleep. There's too many things going on at the moment that I don't even know where to begin.

My gf called me from Hong Kong today and after 10 yrs, she has decided to give up on the man she loves. Its a sad thing to do, to realize that things don't work out after ten years.

Ten bloody years!

I didn't think I was in the position to advice, judge or criticize her for the decisions she's made, so all I did was listen. Because I knew that was all she needed. And I also know she's a strong woman - and that she'll be fine.

But the whole thing bothered me all the same.

How things can feel so right and you pine to be with someone you love, and in a moment, realize you made a mistake - and it all ends. Just like that.

And how your whole world crumbles - and you have no choice but to move on. And deal with your heartbreaks. And there's no bloody insurance for that.

It was a wake up call for me. To just snap out of it - and get freakin real.

Cos I don't need any emotional hang-ups. And I certainly don't need any heartbreaks.

No, thank you.

I'm flying out on Thursday. And right now, I just need to concentrate on packing. And nothing else.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Soup or Stew?

Something is definitely brewing.

Problem is, I'm not too sure what exactly is on the stove. Is it my favourite pot of stew - or a soup masquerading as one?

And what more, after I've been told that its possibly going to be a stew, I don't really want it to be just a plain old soup.

You see? The cons of listening to other people - they not only impair your judgement, they make you dwell on unnecessary things. Sometimes, the impossible.

I'm now at the stage where I'm chopping the onions. And I still don't know what I'm cooking.

Should I gamble with some new ingredients, just for the fun of it? And break away from the conventional?

But what if I didn't like the taste? Could I go back and make myself a plain old soup? Or would it be too late?

And even now as my heart craves for a pot of stew, I'm thinking if its just easier to make a bloody soup. You know, save me from all the complications.

I really, really need to snap out of this - or I'm going to end up with a burnt kitchen.