Surfacing

Sometimes I'm amazed at how I'm able to turn my feelings on or off in a split second. An outsider looking in would have wondered how something small and harmless could be so damaging.

Collectively, all the little things that initially didn't seem to matter, starts to surface. Oh, why am I not surprised?

In a funny way, its like poison spreading so fast, there's nothing you can do except wait to wither and die. Mind you, this one doesn't come with an antidote.

I remember him comparing me to a light switch. And he had wondered if i was really that mechanical. Another one had described my heart as "that cold hard lump".

Maybe they're both right. I am that mechanical. I am that cold-hearted.

I can throw people out of my life whenever I deem fit. And never regret it one bit.

Well, maybe just that once. Out of the coldness of my heart, I think he's my only regret.

The worst thing about this is, I cannot change how I feel. In fact, try as I might, I cannot pretend to feel otherwise. How is it that I am consumed by so many emotions and yet feel so empty?

Its that wall I have unconsciously built between us. Something I have rooted so deeply, I cannot undo it.

I know he doesn't understand why. But in time to come, he will.

Just that it'll be too late for anything.