Surfacing

Sometimes I'm amazed at how I'm able to turn my feelings on or off in a split second. An outsider looking in would have wondered how something small and harmless could be so damaging.

Collectively, all the little things that initially didn't seem to matter, starts to surface. Oh, why am I not surprised?

In a funny way, its like poison spreading so fast, there's nothing you can do except wait to wither and die. Mind you, this one doesn't come with an antidote.

I remember him comparing me to a light switch. And he had wondered if i was really that mechanical. Another one had described my heart as "that cold hard lump".

Maybe they're both right. I am that mechanical. I am that cold-hearted.

I can throw people out of my life whenever I deem fit. And never regret it one bit.

Well, maybe just that once. Out of the coldness of my heart, I think he's my only regret.

The worst thing about this is, I cannot change how I feel. In fact, try as I might, I cannot pretend to feel otherwise. How is it that I am consumed by so many emotions and yet feel so empty?

Its that wall I have unconsciously built between us. Something I have rooted so deeply, I cannot undo it.

I know he doesn't understand why. But in time to come, he will.

Just that it'll be too late for anything.

My New Home

So after weeks of housing hunting, this is it. We finally found it.

The moment I stepped in, deep inside my heart, I knew I had found home.

The unit's very well furnished, tastefully renovated and everything we ever need is available. It's like a dream come true.

I nearly cried tears of joy when our agent got back to us with the signed tenancy agreement. I know we can never get anything better than this in town.

So i thank God for lending me His wisdom to exercise my patience. Indeed it is a virtue. The things that come to us when we wait. Sigh.

Yes my darlings - finally a place to have all our barbecues and parties.
My first housewarming will most likely be in May after I get back from my worldly travels so till then...

Lousy Weekend

So i decided to go out with an old friend last night. Someone I don't actually like that much but I was bored out of my mind and thought why the hell not? Since hanging out with him is convenient anyway.

Besides, he was dying to go out with me. So I thought I'll put the bugger out of his misery once and for all.

So we hung out at One Rochester, a cool chill-out gastrobar in a bungalow-type setting. We were out in The Garden, close to oh-so-beautiful nature and the water fountains, sipping cocktails...but that was it.

The beginning of an end.

For i cannot, i repeat, i CANNOT, hold a decent conversation with this guy. I believe any attempt to construct one, requires massive efforts on his part, especially for a guy with little contents in his brain. I wasn't at all amused by his lame antics.

And i've got to say, after 5 years, he hasn't changed at all. So maybe he's driving a better car now, but seriously that doesn't impress me much. And fancy asking the waiters for r&b music in a chillout place! And the justification he gave?

"Oh my income tax money is paying for this".

Can you believe that shit? Fucking moron.

I had wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it just to save myself from embarrassment. Indeed, I had given him too much credit. Old friends really should just remain in the past.

And as I sat at the bar later on, I realized how I was making mental comparisons of old friend with "him". After going out with him too many times, I realize that my expectations of men has grown considerably. I am so used to him and his gentlemanly ways that I think he has spoilt the market.

Geez, now I can't even tolerate dumb people. I think cleaning out my closet the last couple of weeks says a lot.

Anyways, everything's in a whirlwind at the moment. The whole house hunting thing is taking a toll on me. I've told my mom my plans to move out and am relieved she's cool with it. I know I can never leave home without her blessings.

And i also need to fall in love with work again. I've been slacking like nobody's business. Taking things for granted, whining about things that don't matter. Really need to stop sweating the small stuff.

And it doesn't help that I'm suffering from him-withdrawal syndrome. Must see him.

No. NEED to see him.

Oh peace, come sit with me.

Note to the mediacorp ass

Someone from Mediacorp TV12 needs to stop reading my blog.

You know who you are and you know I know who you are.

So stop being an ass and get some real work done already. Or go read somethin more useful like "How to treat your best friend right". Because we all know you need some lessons on that one.

Do you really want me to go on about that? Or about how you made us all digusted in Cambodia with your fuckin childish behaviour? I don't think so.

So stop reading my blog mate. Cos I have no interest in your life and likewise you should respect other people's privacy especially when you have not been given the permissions to access this blog.

For the last time, stop reading my blog.

Because if you don't, chances are the next time I see you, I am gonna kick your ass.

Not because I like saying it, but because i can.

To the rest of the world - have a good one.

I really cannot wait

So we went around and looked at apartments today. Saw one in town and the place is in good condition. Am still trying to negotiate rent with the landlord.

Seriously keepin fingers crossed and hopin she'll agree with my proposed rent. We are in the midst of a real estate bubble now and prices are so bloody ridiculous.

I can barely sit still now at the thought of having my own place and doing whatever I want. I think I'm gonna be drunk half the time. I can imagine having the "fantastic four" over for our girly parties. And of course me and the best friend sharing a bottle of pinotage.

There's already a long list of things we want to buy and plans on how to do up the place. I'm even thinking of askin Ell, my interior designer friend, for ideas on the look and feel. I need something real cosy and the Landlord did say feel free to do whatever I want.

If i really live there, it'll be two stops to work or if I'm feeling healthy I can make an attempt to walk. Highly possible. And if I feel like a beer, I can just walk down to the nearby stretch of pubs. Whoopee!

I really can't wait till June....

Oh btw, classic lines of today.

"....Go marry a super rich guy and bribe him with your cunt or something cos you have nothing to speak of and will never ever make it on your own...".

"....please, please just stop talking...I can buy you and your whole family....". *waves hand at waitress*

"...you have zero substance...." *blink blink*

My god. Don't know where the hell he comes up with stuff like that.

Thanks darlin. You're too funny.

I am still laughing my ass off.

Clarity

I had envisioned crying myself to sleep last night for all the trauma I went through in the day. But surprisingly I did not.

In fact, I recovered rather quickly. Maybe because he was there to cheer me up. Dinner had been wonderful and I really must take my hat off to him for being able to take my mind off my troubles.

On a serious note, I can't believe a best friend I love and care about could go to the extent of saying such hurtful things about me in a public blog. What started off as a harmless expression of my feelings, has escalated to this. I can't believe she's vicious enough to pull such a cheap shot to intentionally want to cause me pain.

I know that I can stoop to her level and be as immature as to shoot my mouth off, causing even more extensive damage than this, but the end result is only going to embarrass both of us further. Besides, I'm not that poisonous.

She has opened up a can of worms - one that is never going to be closed.

I'm a firm believer that whenever the same things happen twice in my life, it is because i did not learn the lesson I was meant to, the first time.

That maybe we were not meant to be friends, after our first major fight. But somehow I tried, thinking it was going to be alright.

Maybe I thought our friendship ran much deeper than that. That after all these years, she had forgiven me. Obviously, I was wrong. Cos she keeps throwing the past in my face. Time and time again. And i had quietly taken it.

Maybe out of guilt for the things I have done. Eventhough the circumstances then was beyond my control. Eventhough it wasn't my fault alone.

But not this time.

Cos I think I have paid enough for my mistake. And she is not God to punish me over and over again.

As with most things, I said a prayer last night and asked God for clarity. His message seemed clear enough. I woke up today knowing in my heart I was no longer feeling down.

There is a wise saying "you gain some, you lose some". I know who I have chosen and what I've gained. And I don't think I've lost anything worth keeping.

Reckless

I had initially thought a retaliation to that stupid entry of hers, would be superb. How I was planning to criticize her lack of originality for lifting off the contents of my blog and claiming it to be hers.

And go as far as suggesting that she should go back to school and learn how to blog with proper grammar usage or somethin, but then I thought, what exactly is the point of all this?

A battle of the blogs?

Especially when it didn't even make me angry one bit. She's so vindictive and tries so hard to get even - its funny. And all that embellished stuff about me "mailing" her xmas gift...I am really amazed at the extent of her hallucinations.

In any case, I had already told her the easy way to fix this is to meet up and thrash things out. So I don't know who is the one without the fucking guts. If she doesn't want to make things better, then I will not try.

Cos arguing with her is like trying to move a brick wall with your forehead. Only the wall ain't moving but your forehead's screwed. I seriously cannot be arsed.

Was out partying the whole of last night, club-hoppin with a bunch of happening people and got really really sloshed. Got home this afternoon and even now I'm still in cloud nine.

Still thinking of how we ended up kissing, me and the complete stranger. Thinking of the nice ride in his sports car and how I felt so alive in it, wind running through my hair. Cool breeze against my warm skin.

Thinking of his cosy place in town and how I wished I lived there instead. It is really wonderful to have abundant wealth. Oh, how I love the life of the rich and beautiful.

But when I left this afternoon, I couldn't see myself back there with him again. Earlier, I had sensed he was smitten and wanted something more, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to go any further. I had left my heart somewhere else.

It's been sometime since I felt this reckless. Drinking in abandon. Hitting one party after another. Throwing caution to the wind.

Living just for the moment.

Hopefully when i wake up, he'll be gone. Just like all the alcohol.

I don't think I can handle any more complications.

The sandwich

Sometimes i think I'm crazy.

I don't tell anyone how I feel and I expect them to know. It's as though i think transparent thoughts and they, my good friends, are supposed to be able to see it.

Like how my friend did not celebrate my birthday back in bangkok and I got mad. But I did not tell her. I chose to tell her I was ok and then displayed a completely different body language. And when she asked again whether I was ok, I said yes and then yelled at her.

I am a master at the "sandwich theory" - where I paint a completely different picture of how I actually feel, and then, give the subtlest hint as to what might be going on. And later, cover it up with another round of bullshit.

Sweet. Would you like to get to know me?

And till today, I still haven't received my xmas gift from my best fren. She doesn't know its important to me that gifts must be given on time. That not making an effort to meet me for the last three months, says a lot of things. That maybe, I'm no longer important to her. That it bugged me when she said a complete stranger spoke to me more often then she did. But I did not tell her.

And now I feel a little bit angry, cos after being friends for so long, I ask myself how can she not know? You don't know a person for 7 years so you can "spell" things out for them right? It's ridiculous.

And then there's work. Every single day, its so bloody hard to get out of bed. So hard to focus on anything important. So hard to get anything done. And I'm so deluded as to think that by knockin back a pill and sleeping my whole weekend, I'll be ok. Or by moping around, things will get better by itself. Well fuck me, who am I kidding?

And there's so many other things, only worthless to mention - for i really cannot be arsed.