Some way or another - it must have started from the day I decided to lose weight.
I must have gotten so busy to a point where I stopped realizing that my best friend has neglected me.
Or maybe I have always been the sort to notice that something is wrong but instead, choose to file it away in a "to-deal-with-at-some-point-in-my-life" file located at the back of my brains. Until, of course, some alarm screeches out an emergency "fuckin deal with it now, you moron" siren, equivalent to a hard knocking, that things seem a little bit clearer.
And suddenly, as if to torment me further, quite coincidentally the central processing unit of my brain, churns out a series of data that might actually be relevant.
Like how we're having dinner one day and somehow I sense there's some agitation brewing, but have absolutely no idea where its coming from and why, but pretend eveything is ok. Maybe she didn't like my spaghetti-fuckin marinara?
Like how we were in the kitchen and ran out of things to say - and suddenly its gets a little bit awkward. And I think to myself, "Its the fucking Kitchen! You don't run out of things to say in the Kitchen. Nobody ever wants to get out of the Kitchen!".
Like how I'll call her and ask her out on countless occasions. To swim. To train for a run. To jog. To have dinner. To do stuff. And it's always "I'm busy", "I'm lazy" and "See how" which almost always is followed by an sms saying "Sorry, don't think so I'm going". And finally the last few standard replies which was "No thanks, you carry on".
Then one fine day, like it was a perfectly ok thing to do, I just stopped calling.
And how everyone will pat me on the back bcos I've lost so much weight and supports me in my I-want-to-be-healthy regime but then one Miss-I-Don't-Know-her-name says "You're still fat". And then suddenly the best friend grabs an opportunity to participate and lashes out saying "Isn't going to the gym a waste of time - cos Miss-you-don't-know says you're still fat". Or the one funny time we had a conversation and she said, "Are you turning into a bimbo?". There were a lot of things I could have said to hurt her feelings but as usual, I was quite adept at hiding my own.
Like how I want to call her, but have absolutely nothing to say. What exactly do you say to someone who has nothing nice to say to you? I mean, naturally, you just stop talking, right?
Like how I no longer know whats happening in her life and choose to read her blog instead to find out if she's alive. And of course, to also incidentally discover she had time for other people in her life. Be it jogging, having dinner, watching movies, shopping, etc. But instead, I chose to convince myself the best friend is "busy".
Like how I once imagined she bitched about me on her blog - and she said she didn't. But i still think she did.
Like how I notice that my name's no longer mentioned in her blog entries because likewise she probably has nothing to say about me. Or maybe she did but i just couldn't see them. Who knows right?
And then once, a common friend of ours called to ask her how she was doing, but she didn't answer her mobile. Later on, common friend got an sms from her asking "What do you want?" to which common friend smses a reply "I just called to say hi". To which there wasn't any reply.
Ever. Common friend was very upset firstly bcos she's a sensitive soul that gets bruised easily but more importantly it was the degree of rudeness from the best friend, that was appalling. But of course, common friend never said a word, because she's a kind soul and is quite adverse to conflicts.
Then one fine day I realized, she deleted me from her MSN. So finally, *drum rolls* yours truly got a little bit upset. Breathe a sigh of relief, my dear readers, cos finally, you can be sure that I am quite human and my heart was bleeding.
So from then on, I became quite distant. There was something wrong with our friendship but I wasn't going to come out and say it. After all it was pretty obvious i wasn't the one who had problems. Bcos I wasn't the one who was always busy. I wasn't the one who was snapping all the time.
But I know I must have contributed to this in some way. I had to be accountable. After all, it takes two to tango.
So I seeked advice from a couple of friends to confirm this.
My other funny best friend said the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. "The best friend is possessed! What else could it be!" On the other hand, the science-influenced serious sibling said "She's permanently PMSing. No one will ever know why".
The common friend then said something sensible, "Do you realize this happens whenever you both get too busy? Or maybe something happened and she decided to drift apart from you? I, of course, had no answers to that, and got even more confused.
A colleague of mine too said, "Maybe its work or maybe she's going through a phase".
I don't know which of this was true. But something was beginning to take shape in front of me. Something I dreaded for the longest time.
That maybe. Maybe it was time...for us to go on our separate ways.
We had simply... outgrown each other. We stopped spending time together. We were no longer seeing things the same way. No longer have the same habits. We grew less tolerant of one another. We stopped talking. We SIMPLY stopped caring. And we were perfectly fine with all that.
After all, it wasn't new to both of us to throw away old friends out of our lives. Just like old skin, shedding in place for a new one. Why didn't I think that it could happen to us? Silly me.
From then on I became convinced that it was no longer just a possibility. It was reality. And it was perfectly normal.
I just needed to learn how to let go.
My friends were surprised when i bought her a gift for christmas. Maybe they thought I was mad at her. But I was never. She's still a friend to me, no matter what idiosyncracies she has. I don't know if I will ever find out the answers to her weird behaviour. What amazes me at this point is how I don't actually care to know.
Oh, fuck it. Cos it doesn't really matter.
Neither have I stripped her off the title "best friend" like she easily did of me. Maybe soon. Bcos its 4am now and I need to think of the procedures involved in that matter. Too many complications at the moment. Or maybe when I've fully recovered. And in possession once again, of my fuckin drugged mind. Cos its not that easy for me to completely "disconnect" a best friend right now. Not when I'm pretty much "disconnected" myself. But to help me, I have deleted her off my MSN list, but not blocked her. I don't think I ever will.
But I also know the time will come when I may even stop reading her blog. And I imagine, when we bump into each other, we'll exchange polite hellos and smile awkward smiles. And go on our own ways. Our conversations at parties will get shorter and more formal - no longer as interested in each other's lives.
No longer in each other's lives. Maybe we won't even attend the same parties anymore to avoid feeling awkward. Eventually, the invitations may even stop as we make room for newer, more important people in our lives, while the old ones silently fade in the background. Slowly but surely.
And I'll live for that day to come.
